The Doorman's Review
by ZebJeb
Summary: As the Soul Squad are in the IHOP, arguing for a spot in The Good Place, they discover an unlikely ally in the form of the Doorman. ONE-SHOT


AUTHOR NOTE – Set at IHOP in next to last episode of Season 3. I have not seen any of Season 4 yet.

* * *

"But Shawn is also right, and the four of us becoming better people could be a fluke. So, let's repeat the experiment!" spoke Chidi with desperation in his voice. As the Judge (aka Gen), Shawn (the head of The Bad Place), and his friends listened closely. The Judge was clearly not swayed by Michael's argument that the Point System was fundamentally flawed, as it didn't adjust to account for the excessive deductions of the unintended consequences of which humans couldn't possibly be aware. As such, Chidi was trying to convince the Judge to give them more time. If they had more time, Michael and Janet wouldn't be destroyed. If they had more time, he, Eleanor, Tahani, and Jason wouldn't be sent to The Bad Place. They needed more time!

"It's what Simone taught us…" he continued but was quickly interrupted.

"I'm going to stop you right there Chief" spoke a new voice from Eleanor's right.

Everyone looked in surprise to see a bald man wearing a doorman's uniform, now sitting at the conference table within the IHOP.

"Yo! It's that butler dude that took us to the IHOP! What up butler man!?" spoke an obliviously happy Jason.

"No" replied Michael. "Jason, that's The Doorman. He controls the doorway between Earth and the afterlife, and I guess from the afterlife to the IHOP."

"Oh… what up Doorman man!?"

The Doorman looked at Jason with the barest hint of a smile. "All of time, space, and reality. Other than that, not much Jason."

"Dope!"

The Doorman turned to Michael, lifting his piping hot mug in a subtle toast while showing off the frog picture on its front. Michael, of course, recognizing it as the gift he had given to the Doorman (an obsessive fan of frogs). "Frog Man" he said in greeting.

Michael looked at the Doorman in confusion. "Doorman… what are you doing here?"

"Yeah, I would like to know that too, Jeff!" interjected an irate Judge.

Jeff (aka the Doorman) shrugged. "I was following the debate here, and it's clear that there isn't a need to continue Michael's experiment. You have enough information to make your judgement, Gen."

Gen bristled. "That is nowhere close to your call. You control the doorways, and that is it."

Jeff smirked. "Then kick me out."

Gen waved her hand at Jeff, and nothing happened. Gen waved her hand more vigorously as she began to frown deeply. She was the all-knowing immortal Judge of all existence, one of the most powerful entities in existence, and the de-facto ruler of all existence. Jeff was a simple Doorman and should be easy to remove. Yet, there he still sat.

Jeff's small smile returned as he turned his attention to the four humans in the room.

"Now, we know what Gen's opinion is, but let's see what the other involved parties have to say."

With that, a portal appeared above the two free chairs. From each portal an individual fell into the awaiting chair.

Eleanor leaned towards Janet and quietly asked, "who are they?"

Janet smiled pleasantly. "The man in the glasses, tie, and short sleeves is Neil. He is the Head Accountant. The man in the fleece shirt and stereotypical 'I just went camping' beard is Chuck. He is a member of the Good Place Committee."

Neil looked around in surprise. "Well, this is unexpected. Oh, hello Michael. Do you have the book of Dougs? It's really only supposed to be read by accountants."

Michael sighed in frustration. "Your accounting system has caused no human to be sent to The Good Place in over 500 years, and you don't bat an eye. But a book disappears and now you find something to care about!?"

"Whoa!" said Chuck as he raised his hands in a pacifying manner. "Let's not get aggressive here. He left the book in The Good Place Correspondence Center. We can get it back to you, we just need to form a committee to decide on the correct color to use for wrapping it. It shouldn't take more than a few thousand years."

Neil smiled in appreciation.

Jeff took a loud sip of coffee, which redirected attention to him. "Ah, that really hits the spot. Now, you are all here to offer your opinion on where these four humans should be placed. Take the next 5 seconds to review their files while I get the opinions of Shawn and Gen. So, Shawn, Good Place or Bad Place?"

Shawn snorted in amusement. "That's a hard one. Hmmm… The Gooooooooo… Bad Place! Obviously!"

"Gen?"

Gen's frowned had deepened further. "If they can't prove their improvements weren't a fluke, then The Bad Place"

"Neil?"

Neil looked back up from the file in surprise. "What? Oh, the Point System is infallible, and they clearly did not reach the total necessary for The Good Place, so they go to The Bad Place. Say, do any of you happen to have a corner piece of cake? Someone, I'm not saying who, destroyed my piece." Neil glared at Michael with an accusatory stare.

Jeff dismissively ignored the cake request by turning his attention from the Accountant. "No. Chuck?"

Chuck hissed between his teeth. "Oh, wow, that is a great question, and asked from a man with impeccable taste in frog decorated drink ware. There are a lot of variables to discuss, and I can get you an estimate on when I will have an answer. Just give me between 300 to 1000 years, and you will have the first draft of the proposed timeline for giving you an answer."

Jeff stared at Chuck with annoyance. "No, you have until I finish this sentence. If you don't have an answer, then I will interpret that as you are saying The Bad Place. What is your opinion?"

Chuck sighed deeply. "Well, the rules of The Good Place are super-clear that I am not supposed to rush into any answer, so if you could just give me…"

Jeff cut him off. "Your answer is The Bad Place. Which makes it a unanimous decision. As an interesting tidbit, I should mention that every member of the afterlife has had their actions and intentions recorded, with a point total available to determine how they would rank if they were human."

He first looked to Shawn. "Shawn, as you work in The Bad Place, and actively torture humans with great enthusiasm, I assume you don't need to see your point total to know you would end up in The Bad Place."

Shawn smirked. "I do enjoy my job."

He looked to Chuck. "Chuck, you and the rest of The Good Place committee, were recently informed of a potential systematic flaw in the Points System. If true, this would mean that potentially hundreds of millions of humans were being falsely tortured. This includes definitive evidence that every innocent child who died before their first birthday was in The Bad Place, which is patently stupid. Instead of taking immediate action, you chose to endlessly debate on the right decision based on an arbitrary set of rules that you wrote yourselves. As such, your point total includes the points you would lose for every second of potential torture inflected upon those dead humans who deserve The Good Place. Additionally, as you share Chidi's primary sin was that he caused people to suffer due to his inability to decide in any sort of timely fashion, due to the crippling fear of making the wrong choice, it is logically your opinion that you belong in The Bad Place. You have a worse point total than Shawn and deserve The Bad Place."

Chuck paled as Shawn shouted, "HE is worse than me!? COME ON!"

Jeff ignored the outburst. "Neil, you were shown that no human had made it to The Good Place in 521 years. Instead of realizing that clearly represented a need to revamp the Points System, you accepted it as normal. You also ignored the fact that it would mean mass torture of infants and toddlers. So, you also get the same point deductions that Chuck did. You also failed to think about the inherent flaw that exists in a safety check system where a billion accountants never disagree on point assignments for new actions. If there is never disagreement, then you have simply set up a system where you are never forced to contemplate if your decisions are wrong and that you are inattention is feeding your state of happy ignorance. Of course, there is your employee, working in the Weird Sex Stuff cube, who is constantly expressing extreme misery and you happily ignore his pleas and keep heaping on more misery. Additionally, as you share Jason's primary sins of obliviousness to the pain you causes your peers despite being explicitly told you are causing pain, gaining unearned confidence because you surround yourself by a large crew who think like you, and have more interest in petty things like a piece of cake rather than in the suffering of people, it is logically your opinion that you belong in The Bad Place. Your point total is worse that Chuck's total and you deserve The Bad Place."

Neil replied with a confused look. "I'm sorry, I tuned out for a moment. Did you mention something about cake?"

Shawn shouted. "Seriously!? Him!? There is no way he's worse than me!"

Jeff shot a look at Shawn. "The Point System is perfect. Remember, that's what all of you say. Now, for Gen…"

Gen spoke up. "I understand what you are getting at, I am also complicit in ignoring the flaws in the Point System. So, I also lose the same points that Chuck and Shawn lost. Just get to the point where you tell me which of these four humans I am like, so you can show that I am worse than Neil and deserve the Bad Place."

Jeff smirked. "It's Eleanor. You both enjoy watching trashy TV. You both have a marked indifference to the suffering of others. You are also both attracted to Chidi, which is not a sin but is a weird coincidence. The primary shared sin is that when you have your flaws revealed, you actively deny the flaw while going out of your way to harm the one you pointed out the flaw. Your non-Eleanor flaw is that you have ignored that your existence is proof enough that the Points System has always been imperfect."

Gen's expression changed to pure confusion. "How?"

Jeff rolled his eyes. "You were created to be the final arbiter of disputes with the Point System. If the Point System was always perfect, then you would be unneeded. Additionally, these four humans were your third case since the start of the universe. Despite the huge number of clearly bad placements, you have never used your powers to actively ensure that the Point System stays consistent with the purpose of the existence of The Good Place and The Bad Place. Indeed, you have made it virtually impossible to allow those incorrectly placed in The Bad Place to make their appeal. You have proven yourself completely incompetent in performing the task you were created to perform, and ambivalent to the pain your laziness has inflicted on hundreds of millions of humans."

"Excuse me, Mister Jeff Doorman, sir. Why don't I represent anyone?" asked a concerned Tahani with slightly hurt and envious tone.

Jeff smiled. "You were a person who objectively did good things, and yet you did all those actions with bad intentions. You met the letter of being good, while completely violating the spirit of being good. You represent the Points System. And those who would send you to The Bad Place are agreeing that the Points System is only good when you look at the surface level, but bad when you dig just slightly deeper."

Tahani's expression morphed into an odd combination of being both pleased and horrified.

"Well, this has been fun" spoke Shawn. "However, this doesn't change anything. We aren't human, and those four are human. All you are is the Doorman, and you have no authority over any of us. So, I'll just take my four humans, and…"

"Who said I had no authority? Gen is the Judge of humans. What makes you think there wouldn't be someone above her who just prefers to guard all the gateways in the afterlife as a pastime?"

"WHAT!?" said three immortal beings, while the fourth said "Do we have an answer on that cake?"

Jeff sighed. "Janet, would you mind?"

A piece of cake appeared suddenly in front of Neil. Everyone waited quietly for five minutes as the Accountant ate in delight.

Finishing his corner piece, Neil looked up. "Now, what we were talking?"

Jeff smiled. "I'm removing the powers from the four of you along with the rest of The Good Place Committee, turning you all human, and sending you all to The Bad Place."

"Ah, I see… wait, what was…"

Before Neil could complete his sentence, he disappeared from the room along with Chuck, Shawn, and Gen. Leaving Michael, Janet, Chidi, Eleanor, Tahani, and Jason.

Jeff turned towards the remaining six. "Now to take care of you guys."

* * *

Eleanor shivered slightly. "You just turned four immortal beings into humans and sent them to The Bad Place for being too much like us. I think we all know where we're going. I mean, it was nice to see them pay for what they have done, but I've seen enough FBI raids to know that they prefer to go after the big fish first if they have enough evidence."

Jeff smiled gently. "I already knew they were like you. It was why I arranged events so that you four would be chosen for Michael's first neighborhood. I also switched the antimatter to be flavored with French Vanilla so that someone would say that regular was already good, therefore inspiring Michael to create a fake Good Place."

"Why me?" asked a curious Michael.

"It was your first neighborhood and you were prideful. Your pride would force you to do something special, and your inexperience would ensure failure. Though I didn't expect you to grow and repent your evil nature, that was a pleasant surprise. Also, this frog mug is awesome!"

Eleanor spoke again. "So, we were still part of an experiment, just with an unknown puppet master. Does that change anything? You still sent those four to The Bad Place for being like us."

Jeff smiled enthusiastically. "Ah, you are forgetting something. You were chosen for the similarities you HAD. You four have all grown, you even continued to grow after becoming certain that your growth wouldn't affect your fate. You grew, and they didn't even try to grow. You four have earned your place in The Good Place."

"Dope!"

"Yes, Jason, it is indeed dope. Though I would ask all of you to do me a favor. Can you work on designing a new system, perhaps using a similar false Good Place to give humans a chance to improve? Maybe creating a Medium Place, better than Mindy's house? I am getting tired of judging every individual who gets sorted to The Bad Place and ensuring their proper placement, and then redirecting the wrongly sorted to The Good Place. It's made for a very long thousand years."

Chidi perked. "So, all those innocent children…"

"Are in The Good Place, yes."

Everyone smiled at that, as Eleanor looked at her friends. "What do you say guys, want to help rewrite the basic laws of the universe?"

Everyone smiled, with Chidi immediately clutching his stomach.

"Oh…. I have a stomachache!"


End file.
